I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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