You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
