sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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