I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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