Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
