i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
