I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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