No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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