My nipple is on Facebook.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
