dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
