The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
