I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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