hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
