you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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