She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
