My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
