She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
please come you make the beer taste better
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
