When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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