i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
They took my balls.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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