Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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