Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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