I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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