just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
