I hope my margaritas pass through security.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
