You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
