I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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