chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
