I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
