He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
