i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
