your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
