Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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