How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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