woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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