mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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