I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
