Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
