If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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