he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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