Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
