I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Dear god my vagina.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
