His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
