I think my vagina is haunted
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
they need to just BURY HIM!
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
