Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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