you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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