R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
