I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
