I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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