He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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