Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
